Looking at ur picture from someone else's blog made it worse..

I don't know if my heart's breaking cos i don't feel it anymore..
The pieces that i find lying on the ground seem to have been there for eternity..
The dust on them make them seem like they have not been touched for years..
I sit beside the pieces and I look around..

There seems to be larger piece beside the dusty pile..
It's cleaner than the rest and larger than the rest..
It looks like someone had pieced a couple of pieces together..
But, it's left there right beside the dusty pile..

I don't understand, and neither do i know..
How love can make u glad, and yet so sad..
The joy it brings, followed by the pain that stings..
It's something i guess i'll never figure..

Thank u for the chance at love..
Thank u for the hugs that made my insides warm..
Thank u for letting me have ur heart..
Even if it was just for awhile..

I, more than anybody, would understand..
The necessity of letting go..
The countless number of times..
The ache that never really goes away with time..

But i guess, it's in ur hands..
And i'm trusting u to see me through..
Give me the faith to believe..
And the strength to carry on..

I love u..

Dear blank..

I am very disappointed in you.. You've caused me pain that I never ever thought I would feel.. Everytime I see you at it, the hurts i've tried to stuff away creeps right out again..

But, I know I need to forgive and forget.. Maybe the thing that's stopping me from doing so is my pride, I do know that I am right.. but, whether or not I think I'm right, shouldn't make a difference.. I will try.. I will try to let it go, and maybe get into some semblance of a friendship.. I don't know how things will work out from here..

I need to stop thinking that I need you to pay for what you've done.. because, vengence isn't mine at the end of it all.. I'm sorry I've been distant, but that's the way I can handle all of this.. It hurts.. And I want out of it soonest possible..

I should stop.. I'm just trying to let things go.. Trying to do the right thing.. It's harder than I thought it'd be.. But I'm hanging on..

Yours sincerely,
Me..

Was thinking of of heading over to Lion City for a trip with Mel.. but yeah.. she wasn't sure whether she wanted to go and stuff.. so yeah.. by this morning, i decided that i didn't want to go anymore, as in the dates that we were thinking about.. Cos, it's basically too soon and..

Mel went out with Ryn..

I'm not happy about it.. Mel's something like one of my closest friends.. Ryn's been hanging around quite a few of my uni friends lately.. actually quite a bit.. they've been going out for drinks and movies and such.. I didn't feel great about it.. I still don't really.. but i'm learning to live with it.. or rather, if i don't hear so much about it.. it won't affect me too much..

When u're done with ur show.. it's over.. the limelight is no longer urs.. it's been passed on.. u're jus the show b4 this.. u're no longer in the now.. u were probably just a replacement for maybe someone from the previous show b4 u.. U feel useless, u feel like yesterday's news.. which u probably are..

Jacq calls Mel, she calls Terr, heck, she even calls Ryn.. Well, she did call me.. but.. haha.. that was to ask about this anime.. sighh.. i don't even get to talk to her online anymore.. i come back too late.. n am too tired too.. Now that Jacq's ok wth Mel again.. i am once again a permanent fixture by the side of the wall.. the vase in the corner.. onli remembered whenever the flipping plants in the vase need to be watered.. sighh..

When she wasnt ok with Mel.. she called me.. now that things are fine.. she's 'best' friends again with Mel.. I wish i didn't have to see it this way.. but it's happening.. i must be jus a replacement i suppose.. i don't wanna be forgotten.. I don't jus wanna be somebody's replacement.. I know i'm not as sanguine in nature as them.. but.. that's jus me.. i'm not as fun to hang around with.. sighh..

I feel it.. I'm sorry Jacq..

Sighh... Jus wondering how i should handle this..

When someone tells u that they don't wanna go for something and give u a reason.. which is.. i dunno.. it's logical, but not entirely valid, or rather, something a little weak.. usually, u just accept it I guess.. but then, later on.. u find out something else, or rather stumble upon something else that might have been a contributing reason to that particular thingy that that someone didn't wanna turn up.. Would u, u know, pose the question to that someone?

Doubt creeps in at the most little-lest of things.. Sighh.. it's hard to stop it from creeping in when u've had just too many instances where u trusted too much, and at the end, it just seems to be your own stupidity that blinded u to the blatant lies.. Maybe it's because u want to believe, and therefore u just made a choice to accept point blank..

Tobes, it seems got his membership today at church.. Asked Mel to come to TE for service today.. she said she'll see.. Later in the night, she tells u that she most probably won't turn up at TE because, she's trying to get Kev to come to church the next morning, and therefore will be going to KN.. *shrug* i suppose it's an alright enough reason, but to my knowledge, Kev doesn't come to church on Sunday mornings, unless he is staying with his cousin.. and if he was staying with his cousin, he would most probably come, and therefore I thought the reason was weak.. But, sighh.. I just gave her the benefit of the doubt.. I thought the reason might've been because Ted's parents attend TE, and maybe she doesn't really wanna bump into them all too much.. *shrug* that was last night, when i received the message.. And i was wondering if it was that reason she didn't wanna come or wasn't all too enthusiastic about coming.. but she didn't give me that reason.. I did doubt, and wondered why she didn't tell me that reason instead, maybe she didn't want me to think that it was that reason that she didn't wanna come..

But I heard a passing remark today that Tobes got his membership this morning.. church membership.. and well.. i suppose that that might be a better reason than the one i thought of.. so, maybe it was just for support.. but the thing that is ticking me off here isn't the fact that she wanted to go to KN more than TE.. but the fact that the reason she gave me is so darned holey.. and why would she wanna give me that reason.. Is it because she doesn't want me to doubt her statement that she's not interested in Tobes and she only wants his friendship and nothing more.. Sighh.. I feel so.. at a lost..

It does bug me.. I'm trying very hard to put this aside.. but, i don't seem to be able to.. cos, I really hate people lying to me.. Not at this stage in life.. When u've just said u'll try to be honest.. It affects me very much.. It makes me even more suspicious of u.. Well, maybe not suspicious, but, more of 'less-trusting'.. Even though I want very much to believe in all that you say.. I can't help it.. It's affecting me quite a bit more than I thought it would..

I'm not trying to shoot holes in people's reasons and all.. but, I don't really know what to do when I feel this way..

I believe that I am one weird friend.. So darned jealous of everything, yet tolerable to almost everything as well.. Well.. i suppose it's all just kept inside, what I feel..

Sighh.. I think i'm jealous of Tobes.. He gets to spend so darned much time with Mel.. Since that day when we sent Jacq off.. sighh.. or mayb even b4 that.. prob becos he's in the young directors' workshop with her.. and then he liked her.. and she sorta perasan-ed it.. and, aihh.. i don't really know la.. wats wrong with me.. i must be sick.. no she doesn't like him in that way..

The day Jacq left, she was just in his car the entire day, even when she came for the chinese service.. I was glad that she came, but, when i saw him with her.. i knew she came with him.. and somehow, that hurt..

I like Tobes.. he's a nice boy.. but, i'm jealous of his relationship with Mel.. Sighh.. it's nothing.. But, somehow, it's eating me up inside.. It pains me deep inside.. I always try to bury it, cos i know that this is a little too much.. but I can't help it.. I wish I could..

He's a guy, he can make her feel like a girl should i suppose.. i'm just another girl..

Today, she went out with him and another fren.. to do lunch and watch a movie.. They watched a movie with Jacq too, before she left.. I felt the exact same way I feel now.. that huge sinking feeling in my stomach.. i feel sad.. I'm envious of the time he is able to spend with her and i am
not.. somehow, it hurts me..

Mel is.. kinda guarded when she's with me.. she's probably afraid she'll turn me on or something, I don't know.. When i saw her greet Anna.. sighh.. I wished that she would greet me that way too.. with a huge smile and a hug.. gosh.. like u're really happy to see that person there.. it's not that way with me and her.. sighh..

I'm sorry.. I need to get this out of me.. if not, i'll burst soon..

Gee whiz..

feeling damn sucky today.. ah well.. it's normal la i suppose when things don't go ur way or something.. playing tonite for chinese service.. hoped that one or two of them would turn up.. but, sighh.. things jus don't go the way u want them to lor.. when ppl give u kinda positive answers, but in the end.. it's jus the other way round.. watcha gonna do.. cry and stomp ur foot? *cynical smile* anyways, who would wanna come for something they don't understand even if u paid them too.. i guess i would, depends on who  asked me la.. but.. i suppose i'm the onli stupid one on this earth la.. who would give up every other thing, if onli it meant something to another? ah well.. it's different i would suppose.. ah fuck.. watever..

Sighh.. and i wish i didn't know anything about wat other ppl do and stuff.. makes me feel fucking left out.. like having to work when everyone else is on hols isn't already bad enuff.. but no.. sighh.. i suppose they're jus tryin to b frens la.. as in, do wat frens do.. wat we did when, or wat we gonna do when.. *shrug* makes me feel like shit anyways.. but wat do i  do..? tell them i don't wanna listen.. or.. i dunno.. there is nothing i can do la.. ah well.. it should b normal alredi by now..

i wish i had a special fren that i could talk to.. someone who would call me their special fren too.. but in real life.. haha.. mayb when pigs sprout wings to fly, it might happen.. who knows.. miracles happen eh? *slap*  ya rite.. jus want someone to understand.. damn frigging understand..

jacq's leaving this weekend.. sunday.. u think my family would let me stay there for the nite..? hah! i suppose things like also happen onli when them damn pigs sprout wings and fly.. so would pls hurry and grow wings my dear pigs..?? but i wanna.. shit la.. jus gonna miss her.. and well.. i'll b left with mel alone.. damn fucking shit.. nah.. i didn't mean mel.. but yeah.. aihh.. watever la.. frens never last..

and well.. to add to that, mel's fucking leaving too.. shit, i can't bear that.. damn.. wat do u wan me to do.. pretend that these past 3-4 years never really existed?? shit... fuck everything..

and when u hear them tok about, oh, mayb during the summer hols i'll come and visit u and such.. damn.. it makes things even worse.. sucker.. fuck.. when i know very well that the onli place i'll ever go.. is prob jus
friggin, stay-in malaysia.. where else.. i don't have the cash.. i'm not the study type of person.. damn.. i'm done with my friggin studies.. yes, all in malaysia.. ah jus fuck off everybody.. jus leave me damn alone jus like it was meant to be..

in the will of the big guy up there.. i'm damn sure i was meant to b miserably alone..

oh.. i'm jus so darned fucked off.. damn..

everyone says everything.. but in the end.. it's jus like speaking out a breath of air.. wats gone with the fucking wind.. goes.. damn..

and where would i post this? in my other other blog i guess.. fucked that everyone else knows my other blog.. need the other other one now.. damn..

and btw, who cares how much salmon actually costs in the market.. comparing prices with damn jap restaurants are fucking useless.. the prices are usually damn hiked up alredi anyways.. so yeah.. comparing price with a place that charges sky high, there is no fucking point.. anyways, i'm not interested.. when u pay for something, u decide to pay.. and that should b it.. after paying then u go and think about whether or not it has been worth it.. damn.. wat for??? i don't see a point.. it doesn't make me feel any better, or if i didn't eat as much as i paid, it doens't make me feel any worse.. the onli time i feel anything would be at the point of making that fucking decision la.. after that, regretting and all.. that's ur own
choice la.. i suppose.. but i'm not interested..

so there.. fuck off everybody.. everyone of u that calls urself a darned fren.. shit.. makes me sad to even think about it.. damn disappointing.. most of the fucking times.. ishh..